this is about to get a little personal

Dear Beholder,

Music of Choice: Crave by Paramore & GROW by Willow

This is about to get personal, but I feel there’s a lesson here that I need to share.

Around a year ago, I made a TikTok video after a very triggering encounter with an individual that challenged my perception of myself. In the video, I talked about becoming comfortable with your shadow even when it might be uncomfortable.

Since then, I have been working on integrating and learning a side of myself that, for so long, I ignored and deemed unfavorable to the person I saw myself becoming in the future. In the immediate months after, I felt outside of myself. It forced me to question who I was as a person. I had never felt so misunderstood or ostracized in my life. Before the incident, this person and I had gotten along quite well. I didn’t know why I was suddenly being presented with such hostile energy. Did I say something? Did I do something?

A year later, a similar event occurred that shook me to my core. I felt that I moved through the night with authenticity, no mask. Do you want to guess what happened? THE SAME THING. Well, almost, but I quickly realized that I had felt this feeling before, the shame.

When I am triggered, the first thing I always do is try to get to the root of the intense emotion, whether it be angst, anger, sadness, or something else.

 This time, I felt rage, and then I cried. Hard.

I couldn’t and still can’t understand why people were pushing back and shaming me for my actions in so many situations where I felt that I was showing up authentically myself. Now, I have to clarify: I have always considered myself a bit unconventional, but I also feel deeply and am very empathetic to other people's lives and struggles. So, I have always welcomed people to be themselves around me – even if I don’t necessarily agree with their actions.

As I started my reflections, I asked myself, why have these interactions caused such anxiety in my life? What is the common theme here? I wondered if I was repeating a pattern I needed to break. There was a lesson within these triggering moments, and I couldn’t see through the fog.

I started my spiritual journey roughly five years ago, and for five years, I have been working on a deep insecurity, being perceived, and the fear of being seen. Even though I have been working on the wound for years, I can’t pinpoint an exact moment that caused me to want to run and hide at the sign of any attention, whether it be positive or negative. I have always thrived behind the camera.

Here’s the caveat: Over the last year, I have been pushed to put myself out there, even if I am scared or highly uncomfortable. The perfect example is sharing my perspectives about the world.

Essentially, you’ll never get comfortable if you don’t let yourself get uncomfortable. If growth were easy, everyone would do it (and I hope they do).

If you’re reading this and unsure if you’re on the right path and that you are making the right decision, know that we all have our seasons. I heard a quote from a fellow spiritualist who said that “sunshine all the time creates a desert; rainy seasons are integral and necessary as the rain waters the seeds that you plant for yourself and your life and helps bring them to fruition.” (TikTok: @ajavines)

Let yourself learn from the unfavorable. Unfortunately, life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, but you can work toward being solid within yourself. Everything else is outside of your control. As for me, I’d like to think I’ve made significant progress in this sector of my journey.

Do something brave today.

Best wishes & all the love,

Universal Karma